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Sunday
Jan202013

FATHERHOOD FIRSTS: A TUTORIAL IN PICTURE FORMAT

At Fodder 4 Fathers we get a lot of new dads asking us a lot of questions about pregnancy, birth and beyond. Now, we've done our research on this and we've found with men specifically it's not always best to just describe things to them, sometimes it's better to use pictures to give them the full effect. So for all those new dads (and moms) out there looking to fully understand the entire process of being a first-time parent, we've collected some of the best images the Internet has to offer to explain the birds and the bees (and a few steps beyond) in our own unique way.

Conception

"Honey, it's time to start trying again..."
"Really, again Sweetie? I'm so tired from last night..."
"GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND MAKE SWEET LOVE TO ME!!!"
"Okay..."

Confirmation:

"Sweetie, I don't feel so well? I think I ate some bad sushi."
"Um, sweetie, the last time we ate sushi was 3 days ago?"
"The only other explanation could be that I'm pregnant?"
"So, sushi, huh?"

Early Pregnancy:

"We're pregnant. I can't wait to tell the whole world"
"You're glowing babe...."



Gift Registry:

"Well, I think our baby deserves the very best. I'm sure somebody will buy this off our registry, but if they don't, I know you won't mind spending $2000 to make sure that our baby has the best pacifier on the market..."

Later Pregnancy:

"Oh, being pregnant sucks! Somebody get this baby out of me!!!!"
"Sweetheart, you're only 28 weeks?"
"DO YOU WANT TO ME TO HURT YOU????"


Nursery Preparation:

"You know sweetie, I know you were more concerned about choosing colors, but I thought safety should be our number one concern... So I reinforced the walls with some barbed wire for extra protection."
"You were watching Raising Arizona on Netflicks again, weren't you?"
"Yeah...So?"

Delivery Day:

"Um, darling... I know I asked you to get me to the hospital as fast as possible, but I'm pretty sure if you stopped when that police officer tried to pull you over her probably would have escorted us there, instead of calling in an all points bulletin..."

CROWNING:

Pregnant Mother: "Can you see him? What's he lool like?"
Expecting Dad: "Yeah, I can see him alright...,"
Pregnant Mother: "What's he look like?..."
Expectant Dad: "Ummmm...."

Birth:

"Umm. Doc, why does the baby look like my mother's brisket?"
"Sweetheart, I'm holding the baby over here on the bed."
"Ohhhhh.... that's what that thing that looks like a hairless cat covered in chicken fat is?"

Diaper Changes:

"Nurse, I need another diaper, STAT!!! There's some black bubbling sh** coming out of the baby's ass and it looks like it's going to BLOW!"

Feeding:

"Off course I read page 113 of the manual you created sweetheart. "Don't burp the baby in the middle of a feeding," I got it."

Sleeping:

"It's funny... If I hold her she sleeps, but the second I go to put her down she starts wailing. And sometimes she just sits awake, staring at me, like she wants to tell me something?"

 What Your Wife Expects:

"Now sweetie, I'm only going to go to the store to get more diapers. If you need me, I'm just a phone call away."
"Don't worry, Baby, I'm just going to sit on the couch, skin to skin with him, just like you taught me."

What You'll Actually Do:

And there you have it: conception through the first few days after the birth of your first-born child with nothing left to the imagination. Don't say we didn't warn you. Enjoy!

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Reader Comments (1)

Adam,

So much truth in the pictorials!

I wonder if this might be a good "infograph" It's true men are very visual so it could be considered a major asset if it was placed in a handy infographic. A man then could shrink it down, laminate it and have a helpful wallet size "how to" book!

Aaron :)

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterdadblunders

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