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Tuesday
Jan102012

MY MOMMY TOLD ME NOT TO SWEAR (YET SHE AND EVERYBODY ELSE HAS NO PROBLEM DOING IT IN FRONT OF MY F@#KING KID): WHY I HATE A POTTY MOUTH

  WARNING FOUL LANGUAGE!!!!        
You try to raise your kids right. You teach them how to be polite; you keep them away from violence on TV; you shelter them from things that they just don't need to know- things that aren't age appropriate- but somehow, through your best efforts, they still end up learning things that they shouldn't. And it's not because you're a bad parent, or a poor guardian, or even an insufficient caregiver- it's because you are surrounded by morons.

True, calling your extended family and friends “morons” isn’t necessarily the best way to make friends, but every time one of these imbeciles teaches your kid a new word without thinking, that is the exact word that comes in to your head: “moron!” 
You spend your days and nights teaching little Sally or Simon how to say nice words like “please” and “thank you” and “bum.” Your unwed, unapologetic brother walks through the door and five minutes later your kid is saying “bite me” and “fucktard” and “asshole.” Why? Because your brother IS A MORON!!!
Look, I’m not perfect. I use a bad word here and there, but I rarely ever use one in front of my kid. And, sure, my wife’s got a mouth like a trucker, but even she has enough self-control to curb her cursing in front of our little girl- so why the f@#k can’t you???
How Many Times Can You Say "F@#K" 
In One Film?
This goes for grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, older cousins, friends, co-workers, golf buddies, door to door salesmen, neighbors, and all sorts of nut jobs that knock on my door at odd hours of the day. If you can’t control your swearing in front of my kid, go the f@#k away! I don’t spend 99% of my day controlling what comes out of my mouth so you can walk in to my house and freely say whatever the f@#k you want. You think I enjoy saying “fudge” and “geez” and “golly?” No, I’d like to say “f@#k” whenever I stub my toe on one of my daughter’s toys, or “sh!t” whenever I inadvertently stick my hand in, well, sh!t when I’m changing her diaper. But I don’t. You think I like saying “darn” instead of “goddam it to f@#king hell” when I walk in the room to find my daughter has taken all her “washable” markers, which aren’t really all that washable, and has written god knows what all over my living room walls? F@#k no! But, I do it, and I expect anyone who walks through my front door to do the same.

Maybe it was my upbringing. I just don’t think children should swear. Maybe it’s all those times my mother washed my mouth out with soap when I was a kid? Maybe it’s all those big words my English Grandmother forced me to learn from the Oxford Old English Dictionary whenever I swore? May be it was all the hours I spent in the principal’s office for teaching bad words to other kids? Maybe it was the suspension I got in grade 4 for telling the vice principal to go “F@#k” himself with his “f@#king yard stick”?

I can’t really put my finger on it, but somewhere I just got this idea that kids that swear get in to a lot of trouble. So every time some f@#ker with a dirty mouth walks in to my house and lets ‘em rip, I want to go all Samuel Jackson on their ass… and politely ask them to, heh hem, leave if they can’t control their language. It’s the fatherly thing to do.

So, if you’re planning to stop by any time soon, please feel free, but please know this: if any of you motherf@#kers swear in front of MY f@#king kid, so I get called out of f@#king work the next day to drive to my daughter’s f@#king daycare and have to explain to all the other f@#king parents why MY kid taught all their f@#king rugrats how to f@#king use the “F” word, I’m going to be really P.O.’d, and I don’t mean “proud of.”

In short, what I’m trying to say is, don’t be an a-s-s-h-o-l-e and curb your f@#king language in front of my f@#king kid so I don’t have to kill you.

Greatly f@#king appreciated.

F@#K!!!

 A BETTER WAY TO SWEAR

Here’s some related f@#king articles:

 

 

 

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Reader Comments (3)

when I was in university i took a course on communication. The text for the course was the speech's of Winston Churchill. In that class we got into a discussion of slang and cussing. I learned in that class by using the English language and the proper meaning of the words you can can say the same thing with more power without using the slang and vulgar words like the f bomb and the like. It was an interesting course.

January 12, 2012 | Unregistered Commentersundre67

I agree. Some of the best quotes from history come from Churchill. The man had a way to slight you in perfect English. W.C. Fields and Groucho Marx weren't so bad at it either. :)

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFodder 4 Fathers

This is such a great topic. I know that for me, as a parent, I had/have some fave swear words. But one time my youngest called me out. I think he was about four or five at the time. He pointed out the discrepancy of what I "told" him and what I actually did. Well, my fave word was the word "shit" and in response to my son's question, I said, "Look kid, when your vocabulary and social skills are as broad as mine, you can swear all you want. Until then you will just look kinda stupid if you swear." He then said "what does 'broad mean?'" I told him to go look it up. Worked like a charm. Win Win...I got to swear and he couldn't and he knew why. He then, being the driven kid who so so wanted to swear, started posting words on the fridge and watching Jeopardy with us and all that stuff. We began to play with words and also played scrabble a lot. It was such an awesome way to turn a "rule" into a socially accepted concept. He swears now at all the best times and with the very best impact. He is 22 so I am ok with that.

July 18, 2013 | Unregistered Commenter~nae nae

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