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Thursday
May192011

TRUE DAT: THE STRAIGHT FACTS ON FIRST-TIME FATHERHOOD- PART II: THE DELIVERY PROCESS

"That's not how they look on TV?"

And so it begins...

In Part I we covered the truth behind pregnancy and the low down on the kind of demands (both of your time, and your soul) that you can expect from a pregnant wife.  This week we move on to our next topic:

 PART TWO: THE DELIVERY PROCESS 

"D-DAY" - WHERE BOYS BECOME MEN

There is nothing more nerve wracking than having your first child- other than your wedding speech, or the day you signed to get your first home loan, or that drive you took back to school in 98' with those two guys who just took two hits of acid. But I think the birth of your child ranks up there at number one, both as the scariest moment of your life, and by far the most amazing. It will also be the day where nothing you say or do will come out or off right. And I mean nothing...

Try not to do or say anything that will  make your wife hate you any more than she already does. Her discomfort will quickly become yours. If she asks you for ice chips- do it! If she asks you for another pillow- get it! If she says to hold her hand, do it, but know this: it won't ever come back looking the same. And, for God's sake, don't even think about suggesting a quickie to help along the birthing process (two words: John Bobbitt). Sit in your chair, do as your told (by everyone who enters the room), say as little as possible and watch the monitor. Do not move unless you want your wife to give you the look of death to end all looks of death. Sorry pal. If she ain't getting a coffee, neither are you.

" Um, where do you think you're going, Mister...?"

 Nope. Assume the position - right next to your wife. Comfort her. Rub her back. Stroke her hair. But don't do it for too long in one spot if your know what's good for you (women hate that). Ask her once if she's okay, then back the hell off unless you want to get the tongue lashing of a lifetime. Wait patiently like a good soldier until the moment for greatness arrives... then fail miserably.

 

The birth of your child could take hours, but more likely it will be over in a few seconds- a few crucial seconds where everything you say and do will be mentally recorded and replayed, again and again, by your wife for all of your days. ALL OF YOUR DAYS.

Remember these questions: "Did you see the baby being born? Did you cry? Did you cut the umbilical cord? Did you touch that nurses ass? Did you see his eyes? Were they blue? How many fingers and toes? Who does he look like?" The answers to all these questions should be yes (except # 4 and # 8- where you should just flat out lie- "No, I didn't touch that nurses ass... and she looks just like you... the baby.")

Finally, you will have that bundle of joy you've been waiting for. No more pregnancy. No more doctor's appointments, or delivery rooms, and most importantly no more waiting. The day has arrived! You have a healthy baby boy or girl....Now what? Well, we'll get to that. For now, enjoy your kid and the conversation you're about to have with your wife about how insensitive you must be to not even shed a single tear over the birth of your child, when your cousin Melvin blubbered like a baby.

Serenity now! Serenity Now!

 

 

Oh, and remember to tell your wife how proud you are of her. Without her, and that Easy Bake Oven of hers, none of this would be possible.

(To be continued...)

 

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