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 The S.E.X. talk: No. We're not talking about explaining sex to your kids. We're talking about having intercourse with your wife; the mother of your child; the woman who just passed a watermelon through an opening no bigger than a golf ball (unless you prefer ping pong ball, and I know you do). Needless to say, I'm talking about your relationship, or rather, "relations" with your significant other after the birth of a child. Now, I know you have needs, but suck it up. Don't go and do something stupid... like the nanny. Be reasonable. Be sensible. Be realistic. 

For every guy with the mistaken idea that life returns to normal the day your baby is born, I have two words for you: 'hot dog' and 'hallway'. If you don't get my meaning, look it up! It may be crude (if my Mom, or worse, my wife's mom is reading this, I'm sorry), but it's true. Things stretch, things tear, things look like a cubist's artistic interpretation of the body parts they represent. There's swelling, and bruising, and residue...It's not pretty. Your wife is...and be sure to tell her that, over and over again, but what just went down, that whole labour and birth thing, that was gross. And, guess what, it's not over. Your wife is now a self-cleaning oven, expelling (ectoplasm?) left-overs from nine months of 'baking' (i.e. gestating your unborn child)! The afterbirth was just the beginning. It's the after, after birth that keeps coming, and coming, and coming for at least the first few days, first few weeks, or possibly longer. Keep out, if you know what's good for you! You don't need to see that. Your wife doesn't want to see that, and she has "experience" with these kind of things. Nobody wants to see it. (And for that matter, burn the tape you made of the birth- nobody wants to see that either, especially not at family reunions (my eyes)! Burn it into your memory, not into my retinas! Jeez!). 

Anyway, we were talking about s.e.x., and what I'm trying to tell you is, after the birth of your first child, unless your wife is a nymphomaniac, you gotta be patient. For now, realize that sexual intercourse with your wife is now something foreign to you, like having a meaningful conversation with an eighteen-year-old girl you met in a bar (three other things you no longer do). I know it's hard (stop it), and it's been awhile, but it's not your wife's fault you thought having sex in the last trimester was "icky" or you could no sooner master it than a school yard teeter totter (think about it). Your loss, my friend. There is nothing sexier than a pregnant woman. (unless we're talking about hot lesbian pregnant women). So, fine, it been 3 months? 6 months? 9 months of watching Chilean soft core soap operas late at night after your wife has gone to bed? If it's variety you're looking for, try the Peruvian ones (they have better production value anyway... so I'm told). All I'm saying is you're wife's not interested. I didn't say she wasn't interest in you. I just said she wasn't interested in letting you touch her... anywhere on her body... possibly ever again. 

Stitches dissolve, hemorrhoids shrink, skin sheds and slowly regains its elasticity and form fitting shape. Stretch marks fade (hopefully so does anger after my wife reads this). Swelling subsides, and things slowly return to normal. You take your wife out for a nice dinner, buy her some flowers and a closet full of new clothes, and slowly but surely life returns to normal... but now you have a baby that screams all day and night and you and your wife are way too tired to have sex, or way too scared to even contemplate the idea of waking your sleeping angel with the sounds that set the soundtrack for the night you brought him or her into this world.

Are you crazy?!? Your kid's ten-years-old! Just shut up and do it already! 

Awww....Much better.

And so ends our discussion of post-pregnancy sex  (and my promising writing career). I hope you learned something. Please join us again... 

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